We Hear What We Want To Hear

Following my recent blog post on When Listening Turns Into Fixing, I have been reflecting on how we hear and interpret what is being said in different ways. This brings me to my next topic, We Hear What We Want to Hear, where I explore how our own experiences, beliefs, and emotions can shape our understanding of others.

I have noticed how uncommon it is to truly hear one another. Many conversations become focused on replying or proving a point, rather than understanding what is being expressed beneath the surface.

Genuine listening asks us to pause our own assumptions and take in another person’s experience as it is shared. Because the truth is, most of us do not.

We hear what fits.
What feels familiar.
What confirms what we already believe.

And everything else gets filtered out.

Sometimes this shows up in small, almost invisible ways. A conversation where you walk away thinking, “That is not what I meant at all.” Or when you try to explain yourself, only to realise the other person has already decided what you are saying before you have even finished.

It can feel frustrating. Invalidating, even.

But when you sit with it a little longer, something deeper is going on.

We all carry our own internal stories shaped by past experiences, relationships, culture, and moments that have left a mark on us. These stories act like lenses. They help us make sense of the world, but they also quietly shape and distort what we hear.

So when someone speaks, we do not just hear their words.
We hear them through our fears.
Through our expectations.
Through our past.

A simple comment can sound like criticism if we have felt judged before.
Silence can feel like rejection if we have experienced abandonment.
Even kindness can feel uncomfortable if we are not used to receiving it.

And so, without realising it, we respond not only to the person in front of us but also to everything they represent in our internal world.

That is why misunderstandings happen so easily.
Not because people do not care, but because we are all, in some way, protecting ourselves.

There is something both humbling and human about that.

It reminds us that communication is not just about speaking clearly. It is about slowing down enough to ask, “What did I hear you say?”
And maybe even more importantly, "What am I hearing right now, and where is that coming from?"

Real understanding requires a kind of openness that can feel uncomfortable. It asks us to pause our assumptions, to get curious instead of defensive, and to allow space for the possibility that we might have misunderstood.

It encourages kindness to ourselves and others.

Because we all do this.
We all mishear.
We all filter.

But we can learn to notice it.

And in that noticing, something shifts.

Conversations become less about being right and more about being real.
Less about reacting, and more about understanding.

And maybe, just maybe, we begin to hear each other a little more clearly.